As a child I made snow angels below my bedroom window to keep me protected. I needed to do this because Dad would sometimes come into my bedroom and do bad things to me. When morning came I was always comforted to see my snow angel right where I made her.
But one winter morning, I looked out the window and my snow angel was gone.
Dad had come into the bedroom the night before and hurt me. I so needed the comfort of my snow angel, but there was no sign of her. “I’m a bad girl,” I remembered saying to myself. I must have failed my snow angel because she left.
Children sexually and physically abused by a parent think they are responsible for what they believe is punishment for “being bad.” Their minds are too young to call it “sex” — or, more correctly, “rape.” The only reason I could think of when my Dad abused me was that I was bad. I told lies because he threatened to hurt my Mom if I revealed “our secret.” As I grew, I told a lot of lies to cover up the truth. The simple truth was that I didn’t want my Dad to hurt my Mom. I loved her so much and the thought of her being hurt — deeply and horribly haunted me.
I told lies to protect myself never imagining I was harming myself more by lying. It was a cruel cycle and it continued for decades. At one point I realized that nobody believed my lies BUT, they didn’t want to believe the truth either.Â
I had to learn to forgive myself for the lies and this in no way was easy. I now know that telling the truth is healthier than telling lies. I continue to tell the truth in all my relationships.
My snow angel didn’t fail me. The wind whisked her off to protect other children in my town.
Snow angels never give up!
If you have a comment about this blog, please do so in the space provided. Healing from child abuse is one of the best ways to strengthen your immune system. Don’t let secrets make you sick!!!
